


Professor Spock: Runaway Groom

by IvanW



Series: The Professor-Cadet [10]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bonding, Break Up, Cadets, Cold Feet, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grandparents, Happy Ending, Human Frailty, M/M, Mind Meld, Patient!Spock, Professors, Riverside, Runaway, Starfleet Academy, T'hy'la, Unconditional Love, Wedding, doubts, scared, sequels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-06-08 07:26:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6844837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just before Jim is to formally bond with Spock, he gets cold feet and flees his life in San Francisco. Spock, of course, fully intends to go after his mate. Even Bones does not know where Jim has gone.</p><p>This is that story.</p><p>Original story <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/2542298/chapters/5651852">Professor Spock</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Convincing Jim

Jim lay next to Spock staring at the ceiling. No matter how much he tried, sleep would not come. He’d even tried the methods for meditation Spock had attempted to teach him. He was beginning to wonder if he was just stupid because no matter how hard he tried to turn his mind off and be at peace, he could not do it.

And that was part of what concerned him. His mind was a jumble of a mess on the best of days. The days were not always the best. When that happened, Jim couldn’t stand himself. How could he expect Spock to stand him?

Life with Spock had been going pretty good. And if Spock had been just an ordinary guy, an ordinary boyfriend, Jim probably would have got down on one knee by now and asked Spock to marry him.

Jim had passed by a jewelry store only maybe three weeks ago that wasn’t far from their apartment. He’d been drawn inside almost against his will. He’d spent an hour looking at masculine rings. They had an app where it was possible to try rings on the finger of your intended if you had a picture with their hand. Somehow Jim actually had a picture of Spock’s hand, he’d been able to enlarge it, and tried on all these rings right where it would belong, if Jim chose one.

He’d left without buying anything, but the thought had been there. If maybe it was a little too soon for that. If only they were just an ordinary couple of knuckleheads in love.

Spock was anything but ordinary. He was Vulcan. Wanted to be Vulcan. And that included the tradition, the need, of the bond, of the mate. Of the link to Jim’s mind. His deepest thoughts. His wants. His wishes. His torment. Everything. Nothing would be secret or sacred.

Just thinking about it made Jim sweat profusely. And he’d been sweating about it for weeks. Months. Ever since he’d sat at a table and Spock came to tell him they were t’hy’la.

Maybe that wasn’t entirely accurate. After all Spock initially rejected the very idea of Jim being his treasured bondmate and wished to dissolve their link. Until he didn’t.

The truth was hard to admit but there were times he wished Spock had gone through with it.

He loved Spock. God, he did. He was stupidly, wholly, head over heels in love with Spock. To his dying day he wouldn’t love anyone else. Jim had no doubt of that. But he didn’t want to be bonded to him. For Spock’s sake.

Eventually when Spock got deep into Jim’s brain the unavoidable would happen. Spock would know what a terrible mistake was made.

The thing was, Spock was awesome. He had agreed to wait until Jim was ready to complete the bond. He was extremely patient. He had even indicated he would rather have Jim with him, bond or no.

But that was unfair to Spock. Jim knew that. He could not hold Spock to him forever with promises of someday.

And then…Sarek had contacted him. Jim had been surprised to receive the transmission at their apartment at a time when Spock was at the academy teaching. 

 

_“Hello, sir. Spock isn’t here. He’s teaching classes today.”_

_Sarek nodded. “Yes, I am aware of that. I wished to speak with you.”_

_Jim smiled uncertainly. “Oh?’_

_“It is something I thought not to interfere with, but I have growing concerns.”_

_Jim’s heartbeat immediately sped up. “Is something wrong with Spock?”_

_“Not as of yet. However, you have been engaged in a relationship for several months with Spock now and…” Sarek stopped. “I am being indelicate, but I know no other way to address this.”_

_His heart in his mouth, Jim said, “You have concerns about the bond.”_

_Sarek nodded. “I am aware you are reluctant to be fully bonded to Spock.”_

_“It’s just—”_

_“Your reasons are your own and are not my concern. My concern is Spock.”_

_That was certainly blunt._

_“While my son believes he can maintain a non-fulfilled relationship with you indefinitely, that is not true.”_

_“No?”_

_“Vulcans are not like humans, Jim. There are both mental and physical differences. When Spock reaches his sexual maturation he will be forced to endure Pon Farr. He will have no choice. At that time if you are not fully bonded, it will be necessary for you to become so whether it is your desire or not.”_

_“But—”_

_“If you still refuse the bond then, Spock will die.”_

_Jim stared at him._

_“I know my son, Jim. Rather than force you into something you do not wish, he would allow himself to die.” Sarek pursed his lips. “I ask that if you cannot find it in you to fully bond to my son, you have your link severed so he can find a new mate.”_

_Jim swallowed down the bile threatening to rise. “But…I thought the kind of link we shared could not be easily severed.”_

_“That is true. But I have had various discussions with healers, both when Spock initially wished to disavow the bond—”_

_And Jim winced at that but Sarek did not seem to notice._

_“And more recently due to my concerns with your reluctance. While difficult, it is not impossible. Understand, Jim, that I am not judging you. Humans are not Vulcans and cannot possibly comprehend what it is like to be one. But as I said, my concern is Spock.”_

_“I understand.” Jim nodded, feeling queasy. “You’re right. I’ll speak with Spock. We’ll, uh, we’ll complete the bond.”_

_“You are sure?”_

_Not even close._

_Jim forced a smile. “Of course. I want to be with Spock and he wants to be with me. That’s all that matters.”_

 

It wasn’t all that mattered. Not remotely. But when Spock came home that night from the academy, Jim told him he would fully bond.

Spock had tried not to show how very pleased and happy he was by Jim’s news, but he hadn’t been very good at repressing his emotions and it had come through loud and clear. In fact, Spock had been so happy he hadn’t ever once asked Jim if he was certain. He just accepted it and began to make the arrangements.

That night Spock had made love to him with the most incredible intensity Jim thought he’d never come down from his orgasm. He’d made his Vulcan happy.

But it was eating at him.

The thing was, Jim’d had his mind examined before. After his crappy childhood, Tarsus, his criminal record. He hated having his mind taken apart. His thoughts, his feelings, his memories were all he had of himself and they didn’t belong to anyone else. How could he give them to Spock?

Spock’s mom, Amanda, had called him the next day. She’d been excited and thrilled that they’d be coming to Vulcan for the ceremony. He must have given her all the right responses because she never once asked him if he was really all right with it now. She’d known he had his doubts before but somehow those didn’t seem to matter now that he’d agreed.

Only Bones had seemed concerned when Jim told him. They’d been sitting at a restaurant having lunch. Jim had a hamburger and Bones had something he referred to as goulash.

_“You’ve what now?”_

_“I, uh, I agreed to fully bond with Spock. Vulcan ceremony on Vulcan, high priestess, fucking on the forge, the-the whole nine yards, you know.”_

_“Mind link?” Bones slowly lowered his fork to his plate._

_Jim smiled. Or he thought he did. Truth was his face kind of hurt. “Yes. Spock will know me fully. In every way. Completely.”_

_“Jim, breathe. And move your face for God’s sake. You look like a mannequin.”_

_“I’m breathing.”_

_“Jim.” Bones blew out a breath, looked away. Then back at him. “Are you sure about this?”_

_He nodded._

_“Really? Because, Jesus, you haven’t even known Spock a year."_

_“Seven months.”_

_“Seven months. And you’re going to let him have mind control.”_

_“It’s…” Jim tapped his fingers on the table. He couldn’t believe he was about to defend this to Bones. “It’s not mind control. Spock wouldn’t do that.”_

_“Maybe not. Okay. But I know how you feel about this.”_

_“Felt.”_

_“So, like that.” Bones snapped his fingers. “All your reservations are through.”_

_“No.”_

_Bones grimaced. “Remember how you told me how it felt when he dismissed the idea of a bond with you because you’re human.”_

_“Yes. But it’s not like that anymore. He loves me.”_

_“I believe he does. Honestly. But I think this is way too soon for this. Seven months. Jim, you’ve never had anything last seven months, and that’s good, it is, but—”_

_“Isn’t it better he finds out now so he can leave me rather than later when I’ve got years invested in loving him?”_

_“I don’t think he’s going to leave you, Jim,” Bones said gently._

_“You don’t know that, though.” Jim didn’t meet his eyes. “You can’t predict it. And really? Everyone does. Why should he be any different?”_

_“Because he loves you.”_

_“Love doesn’t stop people from hurting you. Or leaving you.”_

_“Jim—”_

_“Bones, Spock needs this.”_

_“What about what you need?”_

_“That doesn’t matter. I want Spock to have what he needs. His father—”_

_“Wait,” Bones cut in. “This is the senior hobgoblin’s idea?”_

_Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. “Bones. Come on.”_

_“It is, isn’t it?”_

_“He just pointed out some things that helped me make up my mind.”_

_“Bullshit. Did you talk to Spock about this?”_

_“I told him I want to complete the bond and he was happy.”_

_“But you didn’t tell him it was because of pressure from his daddy.”_

_“It wasn’t like that.” Except it felt exactly like that. If you don’t bond with him, he’ll find someone else. If you don’t bond with him he’ll die._

_“When is this shotgun wedding anyway?”_

_“I’m not sure. They’re working on the arrangements. Soon though.”_

_Bones picked up his fork. “If-if you’re sure this is what you want to do, I’ll support you.”_

_Jim smiled, relieved. “Thanks, Bones.”_

 

Now he lay awake watching Spock breathe. He wanted to touch Spock but didn’t dare for it might wake him. And Jim could not face Spock. Could not tell him all the doubts that were destroying him. And the meld—

Jim waited an eternity for Bones to open his dorm room door and when he did, Jim sagged against his friend in exhausted relief.

“Jim?” Bones’ arms went around him automatically, his concern already etched into his tired, haggard face. “Jim, what’s going on? It’s three in the morning.”

The door closed him in the room, and Jim clung to Bones. “I know. You-you have to help me.”

“Help you?”

“I need to get away. I need to get out of here.”

Bones frowned, his hands grasping Jim’s arms in a tight grip. “I don’t understand. Get away from where? Where’s Spock?”

Jim paled. “That’s who I need to get away from.”


	2. Discovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an altered Chapter 2, sort of a mix of the original together with part of the original 4, so it is altered from the original chapter 2

“Jim?”

There was no answer in the quiet apartment and Spock had an inexplicable sense of something very wrong.

“Jim?”

He’d awakened alone, which was not usual. Jim rarely woke before Spock did. And he never left without informing Spock first.

As he approached the kitchen, Spock saw the folded note sitting on the counter. He picked it up, scanned the contents twice, and then crumpled it up.

Spock turned and went back to the bedroom to get dressed.

****

It took far too long for McCoy to open the door. Spock had been about to break it down when finally it opened. He pushed his way in.

“Well, good morning to you too, Spock.”

“I do not have time for your illogical pleasantries. Where is Jim?”

“Listen, Spock—”

Spock grabbed McCoy by the throat and shoved him against the wall. “Where is he?”

“I don’t know.” McCoy tried to claw Spock’s hand away.

“He would have come here, doctor.”

“Yeah, he did. Spock, let me go,” McCoy gasped.

Spock took a deep breath and removed his hand from around the doctor’s throat, but he kept him crowded against the wall. “Where is he?” he asked softly.

“I really don’t know, Spock. I took him to the shuttle bay. He was going to take a shuttle to Space Station 4 and then take another shuttle from there to some unknown destination.”

“He would not tell you?”

McCoy shook his head. “Said he would decide when he got to the station. Kind of an eenie meenie miney mo thing.”

Spock’s brows furrowed. “I do not understand.”

“Never mind. He was going to choose at random.” McCoy paused. “I’m sorry, Spock. I truly am.”

Spock moved away from Bones. “I am at a loss.”

“He got cold feet.”

“I am aware. But…I was not pressuring him to complete the bond. It was his choice.”

McCoy sighed. “Not really.”

Spock turned back to him. “Explain.”

“All right. But you need to calm down. Those nearly black eyes of yours are sort of freaking me out.”

“I apologize,” Spock said stiffly. “I am understandably compromised.”

“Yeah. I’m a little compromised myself. Have a seat.”

“I prefer to stand.”

“And I prefer you sit.” McCoy gestured to the couch. “Over there.”

Spock clenched his fists but went and sat. “He loves me.” He was certain of it. He could feel it through their contact.

“Yeah, he does.”

“Then why?”

“Jim wasn’t ready to complete your bond. But someone else was ready for him to do it.”

“I do not understand.”

“Your father.”

Spock merely stared at McCoy.

“I guess he contacted Jim and said a bunch of stuff that convinced Jim he had to bond with you now or let you go. So he agreed to bond, but then reality hit, and he panicked. Commitment and Jim aren’t really well acquainted. No one’s ever committed to him so he doesn’t commit to anyone.”

“I am committed to him.”

“Are you?”

“Of course.”

“Well, your father implied that you could or would or needed to choose another if Jim wasn’t ready.”

“He told you all this?”

“Some. On the way to the shuttle. Other stuff I just figured out on my own.”

Spock closed his eyes. “I must find him.”

“So…you are still—”

Spock opened his eyes to stare down the doctor. “He is my t’hy’la. I will never give up on him.”

“Your father—”

“Knows nothing. He is not familiar with the bond I have with Jim as he does not have it. There is absolutely no way I will ever accept another in Jim’s place.” Spock exhaled very slowly. “I need to contact Space Station 4.”

McCoy nodded. “I’ll help you in any way I can.”

“Thank you. I have already contacted Starfleet Academy and arranged a leave of absence for both myself and Jim.”

“I didn’t think of that.”

Spock nodded. “It was at Captain Pike’s suggestion. He did not wish for this to reflect on Jim’s career.”

“Smart man.”

“Do you have a computer?”

“Of course.” McCoy went toward it. “He could have gone anywhere, Spock. Used a false name.”

“I am aware. But I know Jim better than anyone else does,” Spock replied. “Perhaps better than he realizes.”

****

“Well?” Leonard asked as Spock took a seat at the table next to him. The Space Station 4 cafeteria was packed with travelers. He pushed the tea he had purchased for Spock toward him.

“Thank you,” Spock replied, closing his left hand around the mug. “Jim is better at hiding his movements than I anticipated.”

“Meaning you have no idea where he went from here?”

Spock was reluctant to admit that even though it was true. “There are no passenger manifestations that list Jim Kirk or James Kirk or any variation thereof.”

“So he’s using a false name.”

“He must be. Obviously realizing we would attempt to locate him.”

Leonard sighed heavily and leaned over his own large mug of strong coffee. “I should have done more to talk the idiot into sticking around.”

Spock shook his head. “This is not your doing, Leonard, but my own.”

“Yours? Your father maybe but—”

“My father’s untimely interference is a mere symptom of the greater problem. I have quite clearly failed to convince Jim that my intentions toward him are pure.”

“Pure?” Leonard snorted.

“I do not speak sexually, of course.”

“Of course.”

“From the beginning Jim has doubted my sincerity.”

Leonard lifted his mug to his lips. “You did inform him you didn’t want to be bonded to a lowly human.”

“I am well aware of my deficiencies in that regard, Leonard, but thank you for the reminder.”

Leonard shook his head and picked at the jalapeno bagel in front of him.

“I have since done what I thought was my best to reassure him he is precious to me.”

“The thing about Jim, Spock, is he’s spent most of his life feeling unworthy of love. He’s extremely insecure to the point it’s crippling sometimes. The reaction you had to being bonded to him was not at all a surprise to Jim. In fact, quite the opposite. And I get that you were working on turning things around with him but you can’t expect him to change overnight or even over just a few months. He needs more time to learn to trust what’s between you because he’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Spock stared into his tea. “And then my father came along.”

“Yes. There’s never been a question in Jim’s mind that he loves you. He’s very capable of love. But he feels incapable of being loved. And you have to learn the difference with him or you will never get anywhere with him.”

“How do I find him?”

Leonard grimaced. “We’ll have to narrow down the choices leaving that day and then think like Jim.”

Spock’s gaze rose to Leonard. “Think like Jim?’

Leonard smiled. “Logical for him, illogical for you.”

Spock inclined his head. “Very well.”

“Eat your bagel, Spock. You’re going to need your strength.”


	3. It's Been a Long Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a new chapter 3, if you read the old version, it has changed. Thank you.

Now that Jim stood in the yard looking at the house, he wondered why he had even come. Would he be welcome?

He’d stopped by the old farmhouse first. Hadn’t stepped foot on the property or anything. Just stood on the edge looking at the place that played such a huge part of his childhood.

The farmhouse was empty now. A shell of what it once was. Which when Jim thought about it was probably a good thing. He knew there had been talk of selling it, but that hadn’t happened. And he figured probably only outsiders would want it anyway. Residents of Riverside knew too much about what went on there.

The little house he stood in front of was painted a pale yellow and looked cheery in the fading sunlight. In front of the house were beds of flowers winking at him mockingly. Or seemed to be anyway.

During his high school years he’d come there a lot. But after…

He headed up the old fashioned cobbled path and up to the big oak door with the etched glass window.

He raised his fist and rapped on the door.

It took about five minutes but eventually he heard the snick of the lock and then the door slowly opened. She peered out at him, vibrant blue eyes all too familiar going wide in recognition. The door flew open then and she was pulling him into her arms.

Jim had no idea what kind of welcome he would receive and for some reason this one surprised him the most, her old frail arms unexpectedly strong as they wrapped around him.

Warmth flooded his chest. “Hey, Gran.”

She sniffed and pulled back to look at him. “Hey yourself. It’s been a long time.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Can I come in?”

She eyed his bag sitting at his feet. “You’re staying?”

“If you let me.”

She seized his arm and practically dragged him into the house. He was a little surprised she didn’t lock the door behind him.   

“I thought you were at that academy. The one your daddy went to.”

“Starfleet.”

“Right.”

Jim smiled a little. Her house was warm, maybe a little too warm. But it smelled faintly of flowers and surprisingly they didn’t make his nose twitch. “I, uh, I was, yeah. I took a leave of absence.”

“You in trouble?”

“Not with the law if that’s what you mean, Gran. I wouldn’t come here and do that to you,” he assured her.

She looked shorter than he remembered. Though she’d always been tiny compared to his dad and granddad. Her gray hair had been pulled back into a bun and she wore a bright red apron over her pale green dress. And slippers on her feet. Jim thought she was adorable.

“Well, if you’re staying, you’ll need a room. This way.”

He followed her down a short hallway. He remembered the room she took him to well. He’d spent many nights there when he was trying to get away from Frank and his dismal life at the farmhouse.

In fact, when he’d returned from Tarsus IV, a place she’d never wanted him to go, he’d spent the first two months back in this room. He’d had more food than he knew what to do with and so much love. His chest tightened at the memory. He should have been better to her. She’d deserved that.

The room was little changed. Just a simple square with a double bed and a white dresser decorated with tiny little roses she’d painted herself.   He put his bag down on the top of the dresser.

“Nothing fancy.”

The room had once been his dad’s room, she’d told him years ago. The room his dad had grown up in before he and his mom had bought the old farmhouse. They’d planned to have a big family there. Sam, Jim, maybe some daughters someday. Starfleet wouldn’t be forever. And the farmhouse would be home.

Of course that had all changed when his dad had been killed in space.

There was no big family. Just pain and shattered dreams.

The dresser hadn’t been painted with flowers when his dad lived there, but it had been his when he was a kid. Sometimes Jim ran his hands along the walls, the dresser, the bed, the closet, thinking about what it had been like for his dad. But then he remembered it was all sentimental shit he didn’t care about.

“You want some tea or something?” she asked him from where she stood in the doorway.

“Sure.”

She nodded. “You can tell me why you’re here looking like maybe you lost your best friend.”

She had a little teapot shaped like an apple she poured hot water from it into a teacup with a strainer full of tealeaves.

“You still have the apple?”

“Still works, doesn’t it? I don’t get rid of things just cause their old, ya know.”

Jim smiled and accepted the tea as well as a package of tea biscuits she pushed at him.

“Sit down at the dining room table. And before you ask, that’s the same one too.”

Jim sat at the table with his tea and little biscuits and waited for her to join him.

“You been to the farm?”

“Just the outside of it. Didn’t go up to it or anything.”

“It’s been unoccupied for years. Ever since your stepfather got thrown in jail.”

“Maybe it ought to be demolished. Too many ghosts there.”

“You should think about selling it again,” she said, sipping her tea daintily.

“Yeah. I have to talk to her.”

Gran chuckled. “You say that with such disdain.”

“Well.” Jim shrugged.

“What’s on your mind, James Tiberius? This isn’t just a ‘oh, I miss my old gran’ sort of thing.”

“I’m sorry for staying away so long,” he said with too much lump in his throat.

“I got used to being alone after your granddad died. I guess it’s an old woman’s lot in life.”

“Is it?”

“Seems to be mine.” She reached over and covered his hand. “You’re stalling. I thought you liked it there at the Academy.”

“I do. Only…I met someone.”

“A girl?”

Jim shook his head. “A boy. A man. A-A Vulcan.”

Her eyes crinkled at the corners. “Did you now?”

Jim nodded. “I bet that doesn’t surprise you.”

“Nope. You always seemed interested in them.”

“I met him on Halloween last year,” Jim said, biting his lip. “It was like…fate.” He shook his head. “I never believed in that before.”

“What happened?” she asked gently.

“He told me we were destined bondmates,” Jim whispered. “And I’ve-I’d never felt so happy before. It was like, oh my God, someone actually wants _me_.  Actually thinks I’m their special someone.”

“That’s really nice, Jimmy.”

He smiled a little at the old nickname. “And he was gorgeous, Gran. So perfect. And he was telling me I was supposed to be his. It was…God, it was confusing and all that. But so awesome too.”

“I sense a but.”

Jim laughed, though even now it was hardly funny. “Then he got to know me and wanted to destroy it.”

“Destroy it?” She frowned.

Jim nodded, licking his dry lips. “He sought to sever the bond he said we had. Normally such a bond shouldn’t be messed with. It’s like sacred to the Vulcans or something. But because it was to me, they would make an exception.”

“Because it was you?”

Jim huffed out a shaky breath. “Well, a human, I guess. But I read between the lines. He just didn’t want _me_.”

“Oh Jimmy.”

“The thing was, Gran, then he did. I got hurt and ended up in the hospital.” He held up his hand. “I’m okay and sorry I didn’t tell you. But then he realized he liked me after all.”

She looked a little confused by it all but she nodded. “That’s good, right?”

“Yeah it is. We’ve been together since. And things have been good. I completely love him.”

“All right. Then why are you here? Alone?”

“He wants to marry me.”

Gran was really confused now. “And that’s bad?”

“Vulcan marry. The whole connect the minds, get each other’s thoughts, and all that goes with it.” Jim covered his face with a hand. “And if that happens, he’ll know he was right the first time, won’t he? He should have ended things between us then.”

“Oh, Jim.” Gran sighed and wrapped her fingers around the palm of his hand.

“So I ran away. Like a damn coward. I couldn’t tell him that I can’t marry him. I-I don’t want him to know how really fucked in the head I really am. It’s better that he never knows and just thinks I’m a flighty idiotic asshole that doesn’t deserve him. Because I don’t.”

“That woman screwed you up but good,” Gran muttered.

Jim figured he contributed to his own screwing up just as much as his mother did. “Can I stay here for a while?”

“I certainly won’t throw you out. But I do think you should talk to this boy.”

“Not right now. Maybe-maybe in a while.”

She gazed at him sadly. “Are you hungry? I was going to fix chicken and dumplings.”

He nodded. “Sounds good.”


	4. Not Off Planet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if you have not read the new chapter 3, I would suggest you read it before this chapter. There have also been changes made to chapter 2, so you might want to check that out as well. Thank you.

“I do not understand how we could not locate his destination,” Spock said as they stepped off the shuttle from Space Station 4 back to the main one in San Francisco.

“He covered his tracks well, I’ll give him that,” Leonard said.

“But thinking at this from a logical standpoint, I should have been able to ascertain his intended location.”

Leonard rolled his eyes and gave Spock a look. “And that’s your first mistake, Spock. You can’t look at anything that involves Jim from a logical standpoint.”

Spock was in serious danger of giving into the human inclination to scream. He would never, of course. But he could certainly understand where frustration would lead to such. And there was no one he had ever met in all his years that frustrated him as much as James Kirk.

“What now?” Spock asked Leonard as they departed the shuttle bay and made their way to a hover cab.

“I don’t know. Wait until you hear from him?”

Spock shook his head. “That is quite unacceptable. What if I do not hear from him for months or even years?” He stopped. “Or perhaps ever.”

“I don’t think it’ll come to that,” Leonard said, but even he looked uncertain.

Spock could not take that chance. He would live without the bond but he did not want to live without Jim.

They rode the cab to first Leonard’s dorm and then Spock’s apartment. It was quiet and lonely without Jim’s presence.

There was an ache in Spock’s side that had not gone away since Jim’s departure and no amount of meditation in his empty apartment would soothe it.

What if Jim never did come back?

Spock had never had such strong feelings for anyone. He’d made mistakes with Jim. He knew that. But he had been trying to give Jim the time he would need. Everything had been going well.

Until Jim announced he would fully bond with Spock.

It had been too good to be true. Spock should have realized that. It had only been that Spock wanted the bond with Jim so badly that he had ignored the signs of distress and uncertainty in his mate.

Spock went to his terminal and typed rapidly.

A moment later his mother appeared on the screen. Her smile slipped from her face when she saw Spock’s expression.

“What’s happened?”

“Jim has left me.”

“What?”

“And Father is responsible.”

“Sarek? What has he done?”

Spock quickly filled her in on what Leonard had told him.

“Oh, Spock.” She shook her head sadly. “You don’t know where he’s gone?”

“I do not.”

“Let me get your father.”

Spock nodded, clenching his hands. As he waited, his gaze landed on a small slip of paper with Jim’s handwriting. It was not so unusual. Jim tended to doodle while he worked on the computer. He pulled the paper to him and saw the words, _Noon Shuttle, R, I._   

“Spock.” His father appeared on the screen.

“I do not have a lot of time because I believe I have just received a lead to Jim’s whereabouts,” Spock said stiffly.

“I see.”

Spock decided to ask his father if he had said those things to Jim would be pointless. He knew very well his father had. “The things you said to Jim were unacceptable.”

“Your anger is illogical. I merely stated facts to Jim so that he would see the importance of fulfilling your bond. When your time comes, you cannot afford to be without a bond.”

“You spoke of severing it.”

Sarek inclined his head. “A logical conclusion should Jim not be able to commit himself to you.”

“Jim has committed himself to me,” Spock insisted.

“Has he?” Sarek arched a brow.

“In ways he is capable of, yes. I will not ask of him would he is incapable of and I have made that clear since the beginning.”

“Spock—”

“We are Telsu. He is my t’hy’la. I will not sever that.”

“You once spoke of doing just that.”

“That was a mistake.”

Sarek shook his head. “You are thinking about this emotionally instead of logically.”

“And if I am, that is my choice. Because of your interference, Jim has left. What is between myself and Jim is not subject to your commands.”

“So as in the Vulcan Science Academy, you would defy me?”

“If living my own life as I wish is defiance, then so be it.”

“If he does not bond with you and your time comes—”

“If I die, then I die. Better to be with Jim until that time, to know this, then to live a hundred years without hm.”

Sarek showed his displeasure. “You are allowing your human side to rule over your Vulcan side. You once spoke of wishing to be as a Vulcan. You considered the purging of emotions. Jim has encouraged you to embrace your emotions.”

“I am Vulcan. But there are other considerations besides a bond.”

“What would those be?”

“My affection for Jim.”

“Which matters more than logic.”

Spock did not reply. He saw no point.

Sarek almost sighed. Which was far more exasperation than he usually allowed himself to exhibit.

“Believe it or not, Spock, I am acquainted with the affection a human can instill in a Vulcan.”

“Yet you still seek to interfere.” Spock shook his head. “I must go. I am tracking down Jim.”

 “Very well. I hope that you are able to locate him.”

“Do you?” Spock asked doubtfully.

“Your well-being is always my concern, Spock. And if your future lies with James Kirk, then I can do naught but accept that.”

“There is no if. My future is James Kirk.”

Sarek inclined his head and then the screen went blank.

Spock brought the terminal back up and did searches to find what Jim had last looked into before he departed. Spock did not know why he hadn’t thought to check before. Clearly he had not been thinking.

Shuttle 425 leaving at Noon, Riverside, Iowa.

Riverside.

Jim had never left Earth. He had lied to Leonard about his intensions. But Riverside? Spock would not have thought. Jim had only bad experiences there so it made little sense to Spock why he would go there.

He sent a message to Leonard.

_I know where Jim is._


	5. Wishing on a Star

“Oh my God, I think I just gained ten pounds of chicken and dumplings.” Jim patted his stomach.

Gran eyed him, clearly unimpressed by his pronouncement. “You’re pretty skinny. I doubt you have much to worry about.”

Jim smiled fondly at her as he put away the last washed dish into her cabinet. “I can’t even remember the last time I had chicken and dumplings. Probably when you made it.”

“They don’t have that in your fancy San Francisco?”

“Not much. And it’s not like yours. And believe me I am not going to synthesize something as spectacular as chicken and dumplings.”

“Must be why you’re so skinny. That Vulcan boy doesn’t feed you?”

“He’s a vegetarian.”

Gran grimaced at that, like it was unfathomable.

“Come sit with me on the porch,” Jim suggested. “With hot chocolate, like we used to.”

“Cold out there tonight,” she replied, automatically drawing her cardigan sweater tighter around her.

“I’ll wrap a blanket around you.”

In the end, Jim made the hot chocolate too and then set Gran up on the porch swing, covered in one of her handmade quilts, with him sitting beside her. Not that she’d made the quilt. She once told him she had no talent for quilting and knitting and things. But she’d had a best friend named, Maddie, who had passed away a few years back, who made the quilt for her. And other quilts too.

“I like that quilt,” Jim said, admiring it. “Flowers are pretty.”

“One of the last ones Maddie made me,” Gran replied. “Before her eyesight went. She was allergic to Retinax V just like you.”

Jim smiled vaguely. He kind of remembered her from when he was a kid, but only images that flittered across his mind.

He looked up. “One thing Riverside always had going for it was I could see the stars forever.”

“Your daddy used to say the same thing,” Gran said. “He loved looking at the stars. Couldn’t wait to go up there. Leave Riverside behind forever.”

Jim lowered his gaze from the stars and back to Gran. “And yet he came back here, didn’t he? Got the farmhouse.”

“Well, he met your mama and then had your brother. Then she got pregnant with you. They expected to have a big family one day, I guess. A Starfleet career doesn’t last forever. Figured they’d eventually settle on the farm. Having kids changes you.”

“I guess. Maybe. I’ll never know.”

“Don’t want kids?”

Jim shrugged and sipped his hot chocolate. “They haven’t found a way to make men pregnant.”

“There are other ways.”

“I guess. But I don’t even really think I want a kid. I think I’d make a terrible father.”

“I think you can do anything you want to do, Jim. But if you don’t want children, there’s nothing wrong with that.” She scooted closer to him, sharing her quilt with him by pulling it across his shoulders.

“If I stay with Spock—”

“You will.”

Jim snorted, shook his head. “Not so sure.”

“I am. You won’t be able to help yourself. Your capacity to love is without equal.”

Jim frowned at her. “Huh? You really think that?”

“I know it.”

He looked back at the stars. “You’re the only one who thinks that.”

“Then they’re all damn fools.”

They fell silent for a while, until Jim whispered, “Do you miss him?”

“Your daddy or your granddad?”

“Both I guess.”

“They were a lot alike really. Your granddad was built tall and muscular like a horse. George too. I think if Tiberius could have gone out in space, he would have, just like your father, just like you will. Of course I miss my husband. But he had a good long life.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yep.”

“If there was a way for you and granddad to be…I don’t know…mentally linked. Would you have done it?”

Gran actually chuckled, which surprised Jim, though he wasn’t even sure why. “I suppose I would.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, I’d be wary at first I guess. One wants to be able to think, ‘oh, God, he’s an asshole’ without him turning around and saying, ‘what did you just think about me?’ doesn’t one? But I don’t know. I trusted him more than I trusted anyone I ever knew. He never hurt me and never would have. I know that as well as I know how to breathe. So yeah, I guess I would.”

“What if you maybe had some pretty dark thoughts?”

She reached over and squeezed his hand. “James Tiberius there’s not a damn thing wrong with you and anyone who’s ever said otherwise can go fuck themselves.”

She managed to startle a laugh out of him. Seriously, she was too much.

Then Gran shook her head, sniffed. “But your daddy…he died way too young.”

“Yeah,” Jim whispered.

“I never guessed that the last time I saw him…” She paused, her voice cracking. “Would be the last time I saw him.” Gran rose from the porch swing and wrapped the quilt around Jim more fully. “Don’t stay out here too long.”

She went back inside, leaving Jim alone.

Jim said softly, “Star light, star bright, First star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, Have this wish I wish tonight.” God kids were stupid. He used to recite that all the time as a kid and never once did any of his wishes come true.

He remembered vividly the night he vowed to never say it again. Sam had left that day. Even though Jim had begged him not to go. Then Jim had destroyed Frank’s car. Jim whispered the words that night, wishing Sam would come home. The words had barely left his mouth when Frank ordered him inside the house to tell him that in the morning he was being sent to Tarsus IV, because Jim was too much of a pain in the ass for Frank to handle anymore.

He’d never said it again until just now.

This time he wished he’d be actually worthy of Spock. And that was probably just as stupid as his other wishes.

Jim got up, dragging the quilt with him, and went inside.   


	6. Are You Worthy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A month later but here it is!

This certainly looked like the place Spock had been led to believe was the Kirk farmhouse in Riverside. But as he stood in the yard, gazing at it, it seemed clear to Spock it was abandoned. And had been for some time. The windows were boarded up. One of the doors to the house was off its hinges. There was absolutely no sign of life here.

He had knocked and called out for Jim anyway but was unsurprised when there had been no answer.

Jim wasn’t here.

If Spock had been fully human, he would be disappointed. Or perhaps if he didn’t know Jim. He’d learned that Jim never made things easy.

It took some argument, but Leonard had agreed to let Spock go after Jim alone. If he was going to be able to repair their damaged relationship, he believed it had to be without Jim’s trusted and closest friend. It would be too easy for Jim to shut Spock out in favor of the doctor. Spock had allowed this to go on too long as it was.

“You looking for someone, son?”

Spock turned in surprise. He had been so engrossed in thoughts of Jim that he had not heard the approach of the older, human male.

“Didn’t mean to startle you,” the man said. He smiled. “Rhett Biggs. I own the farm down aways from here. Nobody comes around this place anymore. You looking to buy it?”

“No, Mr. Biggs. I am looking for the Kirks.”

Biggs nodded. “You won’t find them here. Nobody’s lived here for years. If you want Mrs. Kirk you gotta go into the town proper. She’s got a little house there.”

“Winona Kirk?”

Biggs chuckled. “Oh heavens no. George’s mother. It’s only her left now in Riverside. Old Tiberius passed on. I doubt Winona would set foot anywhere around here these days. She wouldn’t be very welcome anyway.”

Spock arched a brow. “Why is that?”

Biggs seemed to consider whether he should answer, but then he shrugged. “Married a man who was real mean. Frank was his name. Not to her, cause she wasn’t around much. But to her boys. And even folks in town. The one boy, James, he got sent away to that Tarsus place. Messed him up. He was a good kid. And folks here have a long memory.”

Spock nodded. “Do you know where exactly I can find Mrs. Kirk’s home?”

“Sure, let me give you the address.”

****

Even before Spock reached the yellow house in Riverside that belonged, apparently, to Jim’s grandmother, Spock sensed Jim was close. He had come here to this home.

Spock could see why he would choose this place over the desolate empty farmhouse. Already the beats of his heart had increased at the prospect of seeing Jim again.

A woman of undetermined age stood on the porch, blocking the front door like a sentinel or a protective sehlat. Judging by the way she was eyeing him, she knew well who he was.

“I am Spock.”

She snorted. “I know who you are.”

“I am looking for Jim, Mrs. Kirk.”

“No kidding?” She crossed her arms in front of her ample chest. “He’s sleeping.”

“May I come in?” He took a step closer.

“I haven’t made up my mind,” she replied, clearly enjoying herself. “Come round the back. There’s a swing out back. We can talk there.”

Spock hesitated. “I would rather see Jim immediately.”

“And I’d rather live in a palace. He’s not going anywhere. Come along.”

Spock had no choice but to follow her as she stepped down from the porch and went to a side gate that presumably led to ‘out back’.

Indeed when they went through the gate and around a corner there was a large tree and attached to it a swing big enough for two people to sit there.

Spock glanced at the house.

“Afraid he’ll bolt on you again?” she asked.

“The thought had crossed my mind.”

“It’s possible, I guess. He’s a stubborn boy. And sometimes he has about as much sense as his mama. But I think he’ll hear you out.” She sat on the swing and patted the spot next to her. “I’m betting he left you clues where to find him in the first place.”

Spock sat. “Do you think so?”

“Jimmy’s very clever. And I think he likes to be pursued.” She eyed him. “He doesn’t like to be dismissed.”

“I do not dismiss him.”

“I’ve heard otherwise.”

“You speak of when I first learned of our bond.”

“The thing is, Spock, Jim thinks he’s unworthy of you.” She shook her head.

“I am aware of that. But he—”

“Is. Yes. You don’t have to tell me, young man. Jim is worthy of all the great things in the universe. What I want to know is…are _you_ worthy of _him_? I’m not so sure.”

“I can understand your doubts.”

“You did come after him, so that’s in your favor. And you put aside logic enough to try to accept him as your bondmate.”

Spock stiffened. “I do accept him.”

“Jim needs a very special husband. Not just any run of the mill types. He takes a little special care. He’s, how do you say, high maintenance. But in the end…he’s worth everything. Like I said.”

“And I agree,” Spock replied.

Mrs. Kirk smiled and patted his leg. “Good. Because here he comes.”

Spock glanced at the back door and sure enough Jim stood in the doorway, looking out at them. Spock stood.

And took a step forward.  


	7. A Lament

To say Spock had never seen a more beautiful sight seemed far too clichéd and definitely not deep enough for how Spock was feeling just then.

He had seen beautiful mountains and deserts, oceans, and even snow had beautiful aspects. He had heard beautiful music. He had seen beauty in art. Had known others of physical beauty.

But no one and nothing compared to Jim.

And for that reason alone, Spock floundered. A part of him could not help but wonder if he did not actually deserve to have someone like Jim. Perhaps he was not worthy.

He had, somewhat unconsciously, moved toward the porch where Jim stood staring at him.

“Jim, it is…pleasing to see you again.”

“Tsk tsk. Not a good way to start at all,” Jim’s grandmother said from beside him.

Spock glanced at her. Then back to Jim.

“I am at a loss without you.”

“Better, yes,” the old woman said.

“Is there somewhere we can speak in private?” Spock asked.

“All right, all right, I know when I’m not wanted.” She brushed past Spock and then Jim before disappearing into the house.

Jim followed her with his gaze and then returned it to Spock, but he did not move. It was like his feet were glued there.

“Spock, what are you doing here?” Jim spoke at last.

“I came for you.” Spock gestured to the swing most recently occupied by himself and Jim’s grandmother. “Will you speak with me?”

Jim opened his mouth and Spock dreaded the refusal he anticipated. But then Jim closed his mouth and nodded. He stepped down from the porch and over to the swing.

When Jim was settled, Spock battled within himself. Should he sit beside Jim or should he stand in front of him to plead his case? In the end, he thought looming over Jim would not be appreciated, so he sat beside him, trying to maintain a decent enough distance to not give Jim the idea he was crowding him.

Instead of looking at Jim, Spock gazed out into the yard, struggling to find words that might mean something to his mate.

“All my life I have felt inferior.”

Jim’s had snapped so fast in Spock’s direction, Spock heard it. “What?”  

“Born a child of two worlds and never accepted by either. My classmates spent many afternoons bullying me. I did not have friends amongst them. Those who did not participate in the bullying did not wish to associate with me for fear of being bullied by the others. Growing up, my only companion was a sehlat named I-Chaya. I buried myself in my studies and told myself I didn’t need friends and none of it mattered.”

“Spock,” Jim whispered.

Spock shook his head. “I was accepted into the Vulcan Science Academy when I applied. And that was mostly because I had agreed to become fully Vulcan, even intending to undergo Kolinahr in an effort to be accepted there. Even as they accepted me, though, they still spoke of my Human half as being a disadvantage.

My situation was little improved upon my arrival at the Starfleet Academy. I found my courses easier to master than many of my peers and was, in general, vilified for it. I was seen as an anomaly.” Spock glanced briefly at Jim, who was clearly listening, and then away again. “Even my first experience with you, you had dressed up as a Vulcan as though Vulcans were Halloween costumes. Something funny or scary or to be mocked.”

“Spock, that wasn’t—”

“I know,” Spock said softly. “I do know that was not your intention, Jim, but at the time, since I did not know you, other than what I’d learned of you through others, I could only assume that was your intention when I realized you were not, in fact, Vulcan. When I felt our connection, it seemed like the ultimate mockery of both my Vulcan and my Human halves. You were smart and beautiful and popular with just about everyone, exactly what it meant to be Human. I did not look beyond outside appearances because I did not think knowing you was something that would be ideal for me. I did not want a Vulcan mate because I knew one would never accept me, but neither did I want a Human one, for I believed they could never accept me either. And one such as you…” Spock inhaled and then exhaled slowly. “But then, even after I rejected you, I was filled with thoughts of you.”

He turned his body and gaze toward Jim, who looked crushed.

“When I first came to you in the hospital all those months ago I knew there was still a chance that you would find me lacking. But I also began to discover just what it was that made everyone around you gravitate toward you. There were times I was jealous, because I wanted you only for myself, but I fought it. I still fight it. You think that it is you who are not worthy of me, but Jim, my las’hark, it is entirely the other way around.”

“Spock, but-but the bond. I—”

“The bond is ours to do with as we want. If we never fully bond, then that is our choice. I have tried to convince you of that, but I do not know how else to do it.”

“You need it. I know you do.”

“I need you. That is what I need. Anything else does not matter.”

“Your dad said—”

“Jim.” Spock took Jim’s hands in his. “My father means well. But he only knows his own ways. He does not know what it is like to be me or to be you. I accept that you are Human and there are certain things you are not comfortable with and cannot do. You accept me as Vulcan and know that I may not always offer you the emotional comfort and support you need. What we have is a partnership and if it works for us, what does it matter what anyone else thinks?”

Jim just stared at him, but he did feel as though he might be getting through.

“When we are together, I feel more accepted than I have anywhere else,” Spock said quietly.

“That’s-that’s still not enough though.” Jim tightened his hands on Spock’s. “You deserve it all. Including the bond. I just-I don’t know if I can ever have someone else in my head like that. Even you.”

“You would doom me to a life without you?”

“No. But what about the bond—”

“Stop obsessing over the bond. Have I ever pressured you to fully bond with me?”

Jim shook his head.

“And I never will. Perhaps our surface connection is enough. I would rather have you and no bond then a bond with anyone else.”

“Pon Farr.”

Spock leaned into Jim and was pleased when Jim did not even attempt to move away. “My time will not come for some time, and with my Human half, it may never come, but if it does—”

“I can’t let you die.”

“I am gratified to hear that.” He cupped Jim’s cheek. “It is possible during Pon Farr that the bond may be fully realized. That is a legitimate concern for you. But surely we do not wish to live our lives on what ifs and may never bes?”

Jim smiled then. A genuine smile though it was slight. “You’re amazing, you know that? You came all the way here after me.”

“I would follow you anywhere.”

“I almost went off planet.”

“I am glad that you did not, though I would have found you wherever you went.”

Jim sighed, but he was smiling still. “Because I’m your mate?”

Spock slowly shook his head. “Because you are my heart.”   


	8. Everyday Love Me Your Own Special Way

“You could come with us,” Jim told his grandmother.

His grandmother managed to arch a brow that would do any Vulcan proud. “To San Francisco? Nasty, damp place. Fogged in half time. Too crowded too.” She gave a visible shudder. “No, thank you. I’ve lived here most of my life, I’ll die here, too.”

Jim hugged her. “Don’t talk like that. You’re going to live forever.”

“God forbid. I’m an old crone now. Imagine what I’d be in another thirty years.” She patted Jim’s back. “You go on back where you belong.” She glanced at Spock. “With this young man. I think he really likes you.”

Jim laughed. “Yeah, he might.”

She grabbed Jim’s forearms when he made to move away. “Don’t worry. Some folks just weren’t meant to live in a place like this. Can’t be contained here. You’re one of them. There’s greatness in you.” She looked once more at Spock. “In both of you. Together.”

“When did you get all fortune teller on me?”

She boxed his ears. “Stop sassing me. Now give me a kiss and be on your way.”

Jim felt a lump of too thick emotion clog his throat. He lived in a realistic world and it was very likely that he wouldn’t see her alive again. This might well be it. As maudlin as they might be.

So he pulled her into a tight hug again and held her as close as he could without breaking anything. “Sometimes I think you were the only one who loved me,” he whispered against her hair.

“Sometimes I think so too,” she agreed, to his surprise. She pulled back and put her hand to his face. “But sometimes all you need is one.”

“You’re wise.” He gave her cheek a big smooch then.

She turned to Spock, hands on hips. “Well?”

“I am not…a kisser,” Spock said stoically.

“Make an exception,” she said with a big grin. “I’ve never been kissed by a Vulcan before.”

Spock, to his credit, did not raise a brow or protest further. He merely leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead.

“Didn’t kill you, did it?”

“Gran!”

“It did not,” Spock agreed. “Though I never implied that it would.”

Jim just rolled his eyes and grabbed Spock’s arm. “Come on. We don’t want to be late for the shuttle.”

And he didn’t really want to cry in front of Gran either. He was on the verge.

So they picked up their luggage and headed out to the hover cab that would take them to the shuttle bay.

They didn’t say much on the way to the shuttle and quickly boarded once they arrived.

“You are distressed,” Spock said quietly as they waited for departure.

Jim shook his head. “Just a little sad at leaving Gran. It’s funny. I really hadn’t kept in touch with her since I left. Yet she took me in right away when I arrived. She’s never judged me, you know? Not like everyone else.”

“She seems very kind.”

“Yeah. Too kind sometimes I think. And she’s all alone there.”

“As she seemed to desire.”

“Can’t be easy though. She’s lost her husband, her son, one of her grandsons. Really, I’m the only one left, and what use am I?”

Spock said softly, “You are of great use, Jim. And we will work on your self-esteem and tendency for self-flagellation.”

Jim’s lips twitched slightly. “Drives you crazy, huh?”

“Vulcans are not driven crazy.”

“Okay, all right. But it does aggravate you.”

“Vulcans do not—”

“Oh, they do so. You’ve been aggravated with me plenty of times. And I’ve seen you aggravated at your dad too.”

Spock sniffed. “Well. Perhaps.”

 Jim bit his lip. “He’s not going to be happy.”

“Who?”

“Your dad. He won’t be happy I’m still with you. Or you’re still with me.”

“I do not believe he has any personal objection to you specifically.” Spock touched his fingers briefly to Jim’s. “As I said, I do believe his intentions were good.”

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

Spock frowned at that.

“I just…he’s still not going to be happy that we aren’t going off to have some fancy bonding ceremony.”

“He will have to deal with it.”

“He thinks I’m unworthy of you.”

“I do not believe that is the case, Jim,” Spock said quietly. “But even if it was, it does not change things between us. I meant what I said. And I trust that you meant what you said. We are going to be together, correct?”

“Yeah, of course.” Jim still wondered if he ought to say something to Spock’s father.  Not yell at him or anything. But maybe make him understand how disrespectful he’d been. He supposed he would play it by ear.

After they arrived in San Francisco, they went straight to their apartment. It was funny, because Jim hadn’t really been sure he’d ever see it again. Not when he’d left to go to Riverside. And now it was like a familiar old friend. Weird, though. He hadn’t even lived there that long.

“I’m kind of surprised Bones isn’t here to yell at me,” Jim joked as Spock let them into the apartment.

“I believe he is on his way.”

“Yeah?”

“I did message him that we were returning.” Spock took Jim’s luggage from him and set it next to their bedroom door. “He was concerned.”

“I know. I kind of laid a lot on him when I was leaving. Didn’t even tell him where I was going.” Jim sighed and flopped down on the sofa. “I was really only thinking of me.”

Spock joined him on the couch. “Understandable.”

Jim searched Spock’s judgment. “Is it?”

Spock nodded. “I am only concerned with you as well.”

“Well, you shouldn’t be like that. It’s not fair to you, Spock. You matter too. And what you want matters.” Jim took Spock’s hand and held it. “You’re incredible. I’m very lucky I’m your t’hy’la.”

“We are mutually lucky then.” Spock leaned into him. “I did not know at the time, but running into you on Halloween when you were inappropriately costumed as a Vulcan ended up being quite fortuitous.”

Jim laughed. “Yeah, inappropriate. I deserve that, I guess.”

“I could not figure out what drew me to one such as you. You were beautiful and exciting and drove me—”

“Insane?” Jim offered with a knowingly cheeky grin.

“Yes,” Spock said after a moment’s hesitation.

“I thought you said Vulcans weren’t driven crazy.”

“Most Vulcans have yet to experience you,” Spock said quite haughtily.

Jim laughed at that and suddenly couldn’t bear it any more. He straddled Spock on the couch, his hands on Spock’s face, their foreheads touching.

“I love you so much,” he said softly. “You’re my hero.”

Spock shook his head slightly. “I am no one’s hero.”

“You’re mine,” Jim insisted.

“You are my sun, my las’hark.”

Jim exhaled, closing his eyes. “You are my best friend, my brother, my lover, everything and more. I’m not afraid of you.”

Spock’s hands were on his lower back, slowly making circles there. “I am gratified.”

“I-I want to.” He swallowed heavily, even as his heart began to race.

“I want to as well but since Doctor McCoy is likely on his way, I do not believe we have time to copulate.”

Jim chuckled. “Damn, that sucks. But that’s not what I meant.”

Spock pulled his forehead away from Jim’s to meet his gaze. “Then what, ashayam?”

“I want to be bonded. I want to bond. With you.”

He felt the hitch in Spock’s breath, but Spock shook his head. “Even as you state this, your heart pounds fast in your chest.”

“I know, but—”

“Jim.” Spock stopped Jim’s words with his fingers on his mouth. “I will wait. For you, I would wait forever.”

Jim’s eyes filled with tears. “I don’t deserve—”

“Yes. You do. And every time you say those words, I will repeat the same.”

“We will bond,” Jim insisted. “I promise.”

There was a pounding on the door. And then—“Jim! Were you out of your corn fed mind?”

Jim laughed. “There he is.”

“Apparently.”

Jim went to get off Spock to go let in Bones. Spock’s hands squeezed his sides to stay.

“I won’t leave, Spock. Not ever again.” He kissed his Vulcan deeply.

“Please do not.”

“I won’t.” He kissed Spock more deeply. “Not ever.”

Spock kissed him back, his fingers tightening on Jim.

Jim thrust his tongue into Spock’s mouth.

“Jim! Open this door!”

“Uh, come back later, Bones. Spock and I missed each other.”

“Oh, for God’s sake!”

Jim found himself lying on his back, Spock hovering over him. He ignored Bones’ cursing and then his receding footsteps. He had everything he wanted, ever, right here with him.

_And it Started on Halloween..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stick a fork in it, this one is done.  
> I had thought I might need an epilogue, but in the end, I was happy with the way this chapter ends it for this Spock and this Jim.


End file.
